Oppression turning into Abundance - June 2007

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f r e e s o u l

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THE JOURNEY NEWSLETTER

a newsletter dedicated to educating, informing and inspiring people
to apply new possibilities in healing and inner growth

VOLUME.5

Abundance - a single Journey

6/11/07

This morning I woke up and I knew I had to go on a Journey.

It’s not the first time I have done a Journey for myself, I use it whenever something shows up that makes me feel uncomfortable enough, irritated enough, or sad enough to want to pull it out by the root.

My state of abundance seems to be directly linked to the size of those lists.
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This morning, still in bed, it was the awareness of how I look at the tasks I face each day. I walk through my day carrying two long lists with me: a liability list and a possibility list. Both are full of items that I, and I alone, need to get done. The liability list holds all my responsibilities as a dutiful caretaker of my home, professional Journey practitioner, successful business woman, good mother, loving partner, inspired gardener and loyal friend. Apart from all the necessities of daily living, it holds larger projects such as: painting the barn, creating a new flower bed, installing an electric fence, planing our trip to Europe, and clearing out the attic. The possibilities list holds all activities and projects that I believe will make my practice and business grow. My state of abundance seems to be directly and inversely linked to the size of those lists. The longer the first list, the less time I have for the things on the second list; and the longer the second list, the more I am failing to create an income that has a chance to grow significantly larger.

It’s been 4 years since I stepped out into the world waving a little flag announcing the humble beginnings of my private practice: “free soul”. I didn't imagine it would take me this long to stand on my own feet. Now, while I am earning a good deal more than I did in the beginning, I am still not able to pay all of my bills. There are too many of them. I find myself still wondering: how much longer until I am really making a living?

Everywhere I look, I see a liability.
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So, this morning, the weight of those lists was just oppressive. I realized that practically everywhere I look, I see a liability. I see something that says to me: YOU need to take care of this! I realized I was living with a belief that it is beyond my physical ability to do what is needed to get what I want. High time for a Journey!


As I closed my eyes, I felt myself literally bouncing down the stairs into my inner being. When I stepped into the room lit by my inner light, my abundance mentor was already there waiting for me. As always, he was wearing his peculiar outfit: a robe as if made out of many layers of skirts, so that when he turned, there was a rainbow of colors twirling around him. A little flying vehicle was waiting for us too, a mixture between a giant dandelion seed and mini helicopter. Off we went.

The space was squeezed together so tight, hardly any air could pass through.
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We landed at the top of my throat and here I felt and saw the restriction at once: the space in here was squeezed together so tight, hardly any air could pass through. And there was a memory waiting for me: When I was 5 or 6 years old, I had an inner ear infection that had kept me in bed for many days. My preschool class was planing some kind of party or celebration, but because of my illness it was in question whether I could go or not. I had never been to an event like this and I wanted to go so badly it almost hurt. I had prayed and hoped so hard, and yet it wasn’t up to me. I knew I had been getting better, but was it fast enough? There I lay in my parents bed on the day our old family doctor come by for the last check up, filled with such fear and anticipation and hope, and when he said “no” - something broke inside of me.

.It was not that I couldn’t express my sadness, I did. I cried and cried, and my mother consoled me as best she could. What was inexpressible for me in that moment was that the world I lived in had changed. It had become a place that was unjust, a place where I could not do enough, no matter how much I wanted to; where it hadn’t made a difference that I had eaten what I was supposed to eat, taken the medicine just like the doctor had prescribed, and slept as much as I was advised to sleep. I still couldn’t go, and there wasn’t anybody I could blame, for no one had done anything wrong, not even me. It was only my body that hadn't been able to do what I had asked for.

In such moments a door opens to offer us a way into freedom.
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But now, in this Journey process, I could speak, and it was God I needed to speak to, after all had he not given me my body? At the campfire the little girl I was at 5, could finally express her pain to him: Why did he let this happen? Why had he allowed my world to become so small? Why did he punish me so, what had I done?
I was surprised by the answer, which came very softly, like a whisper: “On the contrary - your world became richer in that moment.”
Richer? I didn’t understand.
“Yes, you had been given the chance to learn that in the moment when you want something, in that moment of wanting, it already exists inside of you.”
Well, that sounded great, but I’d still rather have gone to that party.
“Yes, but if that had happened you would have gotten tied more strongly to a dependence on physical manifestation, instead of being free from it.”
Free from getting what I want?...
“Yes, what happened was really a gift. It is only in such moments of emotional intensity that a door opens to offer you a way into freedom.” ... “And it doesn’t matter that you didn’t go through that door then, the door remained open all this time”
... Hmmm

I don’t recall all of what God said. It is hard to put into written language an exchange at this deep level of soul communication. I remember I was shown how to understand what had happened in three different ways. I remember hearing one of my business coaches voice saying: “... you have to absolutely let go of the outcome.” I remember seeing an imaginary rich person desperately looking for more things to want, grasping at more and more outrageous projects.

A source of pure life force that feeds and nourishes me.
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When it all sank in, I began to see that any experience of wanting something, is a source of pure life force that feeds and nourishes me. It’s the very juice that moves me forward, the fuel that pumps the heart of my soul, the reason I feel so alive. In the midst of this exchange it dawned on me that I had heard this concept many times before when Abraham spoke about launching the rocket of desire, but I had never understood that that rocket wasn’t there to attract to me what I wanted, not there to create a certain outcome, but that it is purely there as a source of energy. This may seem subtle, but the difference this makes in my life is huge.

It’s not ever about the doing or not doing...
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At the end I received some specific instructions. When now I see something, or think of something that says: YOU need to do this, I can bless this experience and just see it done. Simple enough. It’s not ever about the doing it nor not doing it, or when I can or can’t do it, it’s about collecting the energy this thought provides. It’s like putting money in the bank, and that money sits there, ready to be used, until the job is done. - Man, what a difference!

After the campfire exchange was complete, it was easy to forgive my body, and now I was eager to see how this experience had transformed the place in my throat. I was hoping that it had become more spacious and that more air would be passing through, but what I saw was beyond my expectation: My throat had opened up so wide, I found myself standing under the vast darkness of a starry sky.

In a Journey process, before we leave the place in the body that held the memory, we always ask the body for a final communication. The sky in my throat said to me: Your desires, wishes, dreams and hopes are just like the stars in the sky. These stars are not there for you to hold on to, collect, or get out of the way, they serve you simply by allowing you to see how vast the universe is you live in, by giving light to their little part of space far away from you. Some of these stars don’t even exist as you see them, their light has been traveling for so long, and others that are shining right now, you are not yet able to see. See your desires as those stars. See how empty that sky would be, if you attempted to pluck them all out of there in order to get the job done. Know that when one of them fades, as its fire is extinguished, you want a new one to replace it right away. Can you see that the more of them you have, the richer your life will feel? Ahhhh, yes, I could see that.



Money in the bank...
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Walking through my house later in the morning I felt a new calm settle into my veins. I looked at the pile of winter boots and clusters of down jackets in our coat room and thought: “Indeed: money in the bank!”, spotted the rotting floor on the porch outside the living room: “Wow: a lot of money in the bank!”, saw the sewing machine, still standing on the dining room table: “Even here: a little money in the bank!”, and felt that old, ever present burden beginning to lift off my shoulders.

After breakfast, during my daily walk with Jacky down the old railway dam, I saw the abundance of nature all around me: dewy oceans of leaves in so many shapes and ever intricately different formations, cascades of fragrant flowers hanging from the wild rose bushes, sparkling in the sunlight, the hundreds of voices of all the many unseen flying creatures, with their little feathers, growing out of their thin little bird skins, each a miraculous piece of art, and me in the midst of all of that, walking with wet shoes through the warm summer air.

I had so often in the past felt a nagging kind of envy: why was it so easy for these lowly plants and creatures to manifest in such abundance beyond what anybody had asked for? What did nature do, that I couldn’t, that I constantly failed in? Today, for the first time, I didn’t leave this presence behind me when I stepped back inside through my kitchen door. Today I started to be able to see this same abundance in my home shimmering everywhere I looked.



Unless we can go back to discover the cellular memory...
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While we may recognized something in ourselves in another person's struggles, we each have our own formative experiences that we can revisit to remove the imprint that happened at the time. Our thinking mind is so quick to tell us that there is something we can DO, just like what this other person did, to change the way we have been feeling, but it is my experience that unless we can go back to discover the cellular memory that created a limiting belief about ourselves or the world we live in, we will be caught in different forms of the same repetition over and over again.


I wish you an abundantly happy day!

f r e e s o u l
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