Your Story of who you are - June 2008

.

f r e e s o u l

_____________________________________________________________

THE JOURNEY NEWSLETTER

a newsletter dedicated to educating, informing and inspiring people
to apply new possibilities in healing and inner growth

VOLUME.7

Your Story of who you are.
An open Letter to the Graduating Classes of 2008.

6/21/08

It is one week after my daughters graduation. A week ago we all sat in the auditorium, saw the graduates walking in accompanied by beautiful music, all of them so dressed up, so festively, so solemnly. We celebrated, cried and listened; were moved and impressed by their speeches, and performances, by their presence, and their maturity. We enjoyed hearing the adult speakers too, who had good words to say, good memories to bring back, good advice to give, and good insights to share. All so beautiful, caring, eloquent and inspiring. I went home very moved: happy and sad at the same time, a time of endings and new beginnings. It wasn’t until a few days later, when I thought about what it might be that they would take with them into the world from these events, and from those speeches, that something felt missing to me. Something nobody had spoken about.

It compelled me to write down what I would have liked to say to them... something I wish all graduating students could know. So, if you happen to know one, please pass it along.


Dear Graduates,


What are you taking with you?

Clearly what you are taking with you into the beginning of adulthood is the education you got. And of course we all hope it will serve you in the very way we envisioned it would. But you are taking something else with you that will actually have a much bigger impact on your life: your own story of who you are. This story contains everything you believe about yourself. It has been shaped to a degree by this school, and by what you have experienced here, not only by what you have learned, and what you have accomplished, but also by what you have been hurt by, what you have missed, and what you have failed in. Everyone of you has had those experiences too.

My own daughter was lucky to be able to go to a school were the teachers can safely be described as generally idealistic, immensely dedicated and caring. That may be a rare thing in this world. Whether or not you went to a private school, or a public school, whether you loved or hated your time there, during your years in this school you had both good and bad experiences. Everybody does. That is true even at a school like ours, where the teacher, who was chosen to give the graduation speech during the school ceremony, described it as a place where you could mess up and be forgiven. Looking at those 18 students on the podium, I was aware in that moment that some of them wouldn’t agree with that, as much as the teachers believed that was the school they had created. You too probably had experiences where you felt punished, maybe even unjustly so, maybe you have at times felt overlooked, unrecognized, or picked upon as well... Yes, this too was part of the reality of going to school for them and for you.

The opening chapter of this story had already been written...

Here it is helpful to come back to your story of who you are. It is important to realize that the opening chapter of this story had already been written when you first entered your school, and the character you were cast to play in this story was already clearly outlined. That also means the people you were about to meet, teachers as well as classmates, would either fit into your story and play a bigger part in it, or they wouldn’t. And as every story has its heroes and its villains, so did and does yours, therefore also the bad parts had to be filled, and filled they were. Not because the person who happened to play such a role was inherently bad, but simply because they were capable of filling that particular part, simply because they embodied enough characteristics that were familiar, enough that matched.

It was as if you saw someone taking dance steps you knew, heard the music that you knew, and you couldn’t help but jump in and dance that dance with them. Sometimes you would dance a tango, and sometimes you would dance a waltz. And usually, once you start to dance a particular dance with someone, you dance it all the way to the end. Because once you have started, it’s pretty impossible to change the steps right in the middle of it, even when you try.

Understanding your story and how you fill the parts in it explains how it may have been possible that you had interactions with teachers - or parents, who might genuinely think they do something from a place of love and service to you and your education, while you may have had experiences that felt very different. Of course there are always some adults who act out of fear, trying to protect themselves. For them it’s harder to see who you are. They also tend to be the ones who play the bad guys. The point is: Everyone can’t help but play out their story. Teachers too. And you fit into theirs as well.

You are only about to recast the principle parts...

It is your story that is coming with you, now that you are leaving. Now, even though it seems like life is ready to start all anew somewhere else, even though you may be leaving so many people behind, in a way you are only about to recast the principle parts that are now opening up with new actors. It is good to know that. The more you know about your story, the more you can slip into a different part, the more you become the director.

During your graduation festivities you probably heard a lot of inspirational advice of keeping your passion alive, making the right choices, staying true to who you are, and following your dreams. Can you actually just do this? Parents and teachers will always tell you that, those are always our hopes and aspirations for you. We will always encourage you, reassure you, and remind you of the dream we think you are reaching for. Many of us do this because we want you to have something we feel we ourselves have lost sight of, because we still love the idea of making a dream come true, because we believe that the way to lead a truly happy and fulfilling life is to live your dream, to reach what you have envisioned.

Reality though looks a bit different. Every generation growing up knows that not everyone meets their dream, and surely not for lack of wanting, not even for lack of trying.

I know this from the inside: I happen to work with adults who have lost a dream, lost their ability to make good choices, their belief in who they are, and their passion along with it, sometimes so much so, their bodies have become ill as well, proving to them that indeed there are limits, that indeed they can’t. My work happens to be about reawakening that dream and moving it back into reach.

Therefore I know that at the root of every problem you encounter, every fear that grips you by the throat, every bad habit that gets in the way, every addiction you cannot shake off, or every painful relationship you have, is an experience you had long ago that closed a door inside of you. There is much I could say about why those doors close, but not here. Suffice it to say we all have our share of them.

I am not saying this to discourage you.

When the door to your dream doesn't open no matter what you do...

I am saying this to tell you: when it happens at a future point in your life and you knock on the door you need to open in order to step into the next passage toward your dream, and you find it locked, and you find it locked every time you knock, no matter how loud you knock, how much you scream, or how friendly you ask, when no matter what you do, this door remains locked; I want you to know that it is not locked because you are not meant to open it, not because you are not good enough, not because you have made mistakes in the past you are now paying for, or because someone powerful doesn’t recognize your potential. I want you to know that this door is closed ONLY because any one of these kinds of assumptions has become part of your story, has become something you started to belief about yourself. Life will always prove to you what you believe, it will always collaborate in the most miraculous way to let you play out your part.

This may sound even more discouraging. As if there is no way out of this story of yours.

But now I am going to tell you a secret:

As powerful as this story is - and it is powerful - as much as it shapes all of your experiences in life, in the end it is NOT who you are.

This is what you need to know:

It doesn’t matter how long something has been buried inside of you, how long a door has been bolted shut. You, and you alone can open it again, and when you do, you will discover that it was you who closed it to begin with, not your parents, not your teachers, and not the world around you, even though it probably looked like that for the longest time.

The person you are underneath your story is someone you haven’t even met yet. Your full potential is still waiting. Waiting to be released.

This speech is not about how you actually do this. Not all of you are going to be interested in exploring yourself like that anyway, that too may already be part of your story. I am only here to tell you: It is possible. If you want to, you can. There is more than one way. And when you look for it, the right way for you will be there. My hope is that you’ll remember this. My hope is you won’t need to wait to discover this until you are 50 years old.

And finally here is one more secret: While everybody sets out to reach their dream, while everybody believes once they reach it, life is going to be so wonderful, very few people understand that what really makes you happy is not reaching your dream, but having it. It always only seems like we are doing something in order to get something we think we need. What we really need is the energy and excitement that comes from having a dream, from wanting something, or being engaged in a project we love, because that is what nourishes our soul, and makes us feel alive. So, once you do reach your dream, make sure to take a deep breath and start looking for a new one.




I wish you all the best on your path through life.

Tomma

f r e e s o u l
________________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________________

TOMMA VON HAEFTEN 632 ALBANY TPK OLD CHATHAM NY 12136
OFFICE 518 794 0017 HOME 518 794 6224 EMAIL tomma@taconic.net
WWW.THEFREESOUL.COM